The 6 Stages of Gridlock and the Four Points of Balance to a Healthier Relationship
By Becky Makous
Gridlock is something that happens to virtually every intimate relationship. It could happen over the course of a few months or over many years, but many couples get to this place of gridlock, this can’t-live-with-you-can’t-live-without-you place of enmeshment. This is also known as codependency. Fortunately, there are guidelines for how to get into a healthier relationship space. The six stages of Gridlock and the Four Points of Balance are outlined below, as well as a deeper discussion into examples and explanations of each point. This is adapted from Dr. David Schnarch's Theory of Differentiation.
The Six Stages of Gridlock:
1. During the lust, infatuation, and attachment phases occurring in your brain, you and your partner are validating, reassuring, and accommodating each other in whatever ways you can.
2. Difficult, contentious interactions arise between you. You both are frustrated about not getting the validations, accommodation, and soothing you want. You’re also frustrated about being unable to satisfy your partner’s complaints.
3. Your limited ability to hold on to yourself (limited Four Points of Balance), plus your unresolved personal issues, create an upper limit to how much you can accommodate, validate, and regulate your partner before your own functioning deteriorates. The same holds true for your partner. Even the most patient and giving people can only go so far.
4. Your unwillingness to violate what remains of your integrity shows up. Your drive to preserve your tenuous sense of self becomes tenacious. You can’t accommodate your partner without violating your integrity, and you refuse to adapt.
5. Eventually you don’t want to adapt to your partner. Your battered reflected sense of self ushers in willful refusal, stubbornness, and defiance.
6. Your partner accommodates you as much as they can or wants to, and eventually stops. You do the same. You both have no room to back up or go forward. At that point, you’re gridlocked. You have no good solution in sight and no prospect of resolution. Things look pretty bleak
The Four Points of Balance:
1. Solid Flexible Self - the ability to be clear about who you are and what you’re about, especially when your partner pressures you to adapt and conform.
2. Quiet Mind-Calm Heart - being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts, and regulate your own anxieties.
3. Grounded Responding - the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your partner gets anxious or upset.
4. Meaningful Endurance - being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your relationship, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth.
The Four Points of Balance: Examples
Solid Flexible Self:
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
― Kahlil Gibran, On Marriage, an excerpt from “The Prophet”
In this excerpt from “The Prophet”, Khalil Gibran describes differentiation in a beautiful and poetic way. I italicized the parts of this poem where the first point of balance, Solid-Flexible Self, is evident. Although Khalil Gibran begins with talking about the commitment in a marriage, he emphasizes the distance that two people require in a marriage. “Stand together yet not too near together” and “the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other's shadow” both say that you should be your own person even while you are in a relationship. The Solid Flexible Self point of balance, is about remaining true to yourself and maintaining your individuality, even though you are in a committed relationship. This point of balance is to stop yourself from melting into your partner, even under pressure. Under Solid Flexible Self, you know who you are and what your values are. However, this does not mean that you are immune to change. People who have a strong Solid Flexible Self are willing to change when they feel it is part of who they are, and aligns with their values.
Quiet Mind-Calm Heart:
This fortune cookie shows what Quiet Mind-Calm Heart is. It is taking a breath before you react angrily. It is slowing down and regulating your emotions. Knowing this point of balance is helpful during arguments but it is also helpful after a rough day at work or after a stressful event. Quiet Mind-Calm Heart is about learning to self-soothe and not rely on your partner for your emotional regulation. If this point of balance is strong in couples, they disengage from using a borrowed sense of self. They are no longer blowing up each other’s balloons. If one partner feels sad the other doesn’t feel the need to prop them up emotionally. Both partners will know how to self-regulate and quiet their hurts on their own.
Grounded Responding:
Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask yourself if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
— Deepak Chopra
This quote from Deepak Chopra makes the most sense from the point of view of a couple who is working towards Grounded Responding from a place of gridlock. This attitude of reacting differently and becoming a pioneer of the future is essential to creating a pattern of Grounded Responding in a couple. Grounded Responding is when staying calm in an argument with your partner. Instead of creating physical or emotional distance when you are upset, a Grounded Response tackles the problem head on, in a straightforward and non-blaming way. Grounded Responding does not seek to change your partner’s behaviors. Instead, it only focuses on communicating your own thoughts without asking for or expecting a certain response from your partner.
Meaningful Endurance:
Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, “The Little Prince”
The Little Prince explains the last point of balance, Meaningful Endurance, so beautifully here in this novella written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Meaningful Endurance is willing to endure difficult times for the sake of growth. In this quote, the Little Prince shows how forgiveness is essential in relationships. There will be hurt but it is important to grow through that. He talks about the trying times and the risk of winter to grow into spring. It is a perfect metaphor for Meaningful Endurance. Meaningful Endurance is about working through the difficult times to mature and progress into the good times. It is being able to address problems in the relationship assertively in order to resolve them and move towards a stronger and more differentiated relationship.
References
Schnarch, D. (2010). Intimacy and desire: awaken the passion in your relationship. Scribe Publications.
