Let Go of the Sexual Fairytale to have Better Sex
By Becky Makous and Julia Manasek
Sex in media is often portrayed as a spontaneous, flawless act that perfectly aligns with our fantasies. From movies to advertisements, we're bombarded with a specific, often unrealistic narrative about what sex should look like. However, to truly experience great sex, we must let go of these fairytales and embrace a more authentic, intentional approach. We must unlearn society’s "sexpectations" and discover how to have deeper, more fulfilling sexual connections. Based on the largest, in-depth interview study ever conducted with people who are having extraordinary sex, let’s unravel some of these misconceptions about sex.
Myths About Sex
Sex Should Be Spontaneous: Contrary to popular belief, great lovers often prepare for and make time for sex. There can be a lot of joy in planning, prioritization, preparation, and intentionality. Great sex must be invited in by devoting time to it. It is important to dedicate time and effort to achieve greater intimacy with your partner(s).
Sex Should Culminate in Penetration: While intercourse can be wonderfully fulfilling and connective, it is just one possibility of what is “on the menu” during sex. The idea that sex must culminate in penetration is damaging and limiting. Expanding one’s idea of sex opens the door to great sex. And there are dozens if not hundreds of ideas of what is possible. This idea that sex should culminate in penetration is supported by the DSM with diagnoses such as Erectile Dysfunction or Low Desire Disorder, or the baseball metaphor of sex with “first bases” and “home runs". It is transformative to view each moment of intimacy as an end in itself and not as a means to penetration.
Sex is a Performance: The best sexual experiences are authentic and vulnerable, not performances. Striving for perfection can create anxiety and detract from the genuine connection with your partner. Instead, ask yourself what you really desire, communicate what you want, and focus on mutual pleasure.
Great Sex Equals Great Orgasms: While orgasms can enhance pleasure, they are not the only measure of great sex. There can be profound connections without climax. Orgasms are neither necessary nor sufficient for great sex.
Great Lovers Are Born, Not Made: Becoming a great lover is a skill that can be developed. Attunement, surrendering to the present moment, deep connection, and learning to communicate your needs are all essential. With practice and dedication, anyone can enhance their sexual skills.
Lower Your Expectations After the Honeymoon Period: With continued prioritization and practice, sex can remain fulfilling after many years of a relationship. Familiarity can sometimes even deepen intimacy, and adapting to changes in your relationship keeps the spark alive. It is important to continue to discovery one another with time, and be open to change. This requires adaptability, courage, a willingness to make mistakes, creativity, and self-acceptance.
Sex is for the Young and Able-Bodied: Great sex is not confined to the young or able-bodied. It can be experienced at any age and even after chronic illness or disability. Many extraordinary lovers had chronic health issues, and in fact, sometimes magnificent sex only began in their lives after aging, chronic illness, or disability. In fact, this can even be an asset to creating great sex, and a way to unlearn some of society’s “sexpectations.”
Men and Women Want Fundamentally Different Things: The idea that men desire novelty and variety while women seek emotional connection is a myth not grounded in scientific research. Studies have shown that people across the gender spectrum have similar levels of sexual desire, fantasy frequency, and masturbation frequency. People socialized as men and women want exploration, spiritual components, sex in committed relationships, and casual play partners. There is a much great variety within genders than between genders.
It's important to note that women often need to feel safe to become aroused and may struggle to get out of their heads. Creating a setting where both partners can fully relax and let go of daily stress is crucial. Regularly checking in with each other is also important. Ask your partner how something feels and what they enjoy. This mutual understanding and communication can lead to a more satisfying and intimate relationship.
How to Achieve Great Sex
To achieve great sex, start by unlearning the “shoulds” around sexuality. This involves shedding shame and embracing a more positive, open-minded approach. Here are some steps to guide you:
Have a conversation: Although discussing sex openly can be challenging, it is crucial for understanding both your own needs and those of your partner. You could start the conversation by sharing what sexuality means to you, the messages you received about sex growing up, your first sexual experiences, and how you feel about it now. If you're unsure how to begin, there are many helpful questions and games available online to guide you and your partner.
Attunement: Attunement is the ability to read and respond to your partner's cues, both verbal and non-verbal. This deepens the connection and ensures both partners feel understood and valued. During sex, practice being fully present and pay attention to your partner’s body language. If you are unsure, if they are enjoying what you are doing, simply ask how it feels.
Nourishing Relationships: Like houseplants, relationships need constant care to thrive. Regularly nourish your connection to maintain intimacy and avoid natural entropy. Remember little things add up and often have a larger effect than one grand gesture.
Create Desire Over Duty: Engage in sex out of genuine desire, not as an obligation. Transforming dread into anticipation can reinvigorate your sexual relationship. While it can sometimes take some time to get into the mood, you should be clear if you don’t feel like having sex and communicate this to your partner. Maybe you can find an alternative, like cuddling and watching a comforting movie together?
Quality Over Frequency: Focus on the quality of your sexual experiences rather than how often they occur. Savor the moments when you do feel energetic and aroused and avoid rushing to the end.
Exploration and Creativity: Refuse to settle for predictable patterns. Embrace creativity and be open to new experiences and connections. Incorporating elements like role-playing, sensory play, or simply changing the ambiance can add novelty and excitement, fostering intimacy and connection.
Explore your Core Desires: Reflect on your top three sexual experiences or fantasies, which don’t necessarily need to involve genital contact or penetration. Identify common themes in these experiences and fantasies. This reflection can provide valuable insights into what truly excites and satisfies you, guiding you towards more fulfilling sexual encounters.
Letting go of the sexual fairytale and "sexpectations" allows you to embrace a more authentic and fulfilling sexual experience. By unlearning myths and focusing on connection, communication, and creativity, you can achieve amazing sex that is deeply satisfying for both you and your partner. Remember, great sex is not about meeting societal expectations but about creating meaningful, pleasurable experiences together.
References
Kleinplatz, P. J., & Ménard, A. D. (2020). Magnificent sex. In Routledge eBooks. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429059681
