The Truth About Female Sexual Desire: Why You're Normal and the Media is Wrong
By Julia Manasek
In the media, women's sexuality is often depicted in a skewed way: the "good girl" shows no interest in sex until she meets the hero. Suddenly, she's irresistibly drawn to him but must restrain herself because sex is portrayed as inherently bad and dangerous, something to be saved for "the one." Despite this, they end up sleeping together, and the hero, captivated by her innocence and purity, eventually falls in love and marries her. This narrative is evident in stories like Fifty Shades of Grey, where Anastasia Steele, initially portrayed as sexually inexperienced and shy, becomes irresistibly attracted to Christian Grey. Though hesitant at first due to the perceived danger of Christian's lifestyle, she eventually engages in a sexual relationship with him, and he falls in love with her purity and innocence, leading to marriage.
Women are raised with a lot of shame and constant "no" messages around sexuality, leading to dysfunction. Yet, as soon as they reach adulthood, they're expected to become uninhibited sexual experts. It’s no wonder so many women feel insecure about their sexuality, struggling to understand and communicate their desires. Likewise, many men are left confused when the sex they've learned from media and porn doesn't translate into fulfilling relationships.
But How Does Sexual Desire Actually Work?
Let’s do a quick SexEd 101. In her book “Come As You Are” Emily Nagoski lays out the newest research to transform our understanding of sex and sexuality. The first thing you need to know is that there are accelerators and there are brakes.
The Dual Control Model
Our brain has two systems to respond to sex-related stimuli. The first one is the sexual excitement system also known as the accelerators. This system is always scanning your internal and external context for sex-related stimuli, sending signals to your brain and vulva/penis. This process happens unconsciously. The second system is the sexual inhibition system which consists of two brakes. The first one is like a footbrake - it scans the environment for potential threats/negative consequences if you had sex such as STI risk, unwanted pregnancy and social consequences. If this system is on, it makes it impossible to feel high pleasure and sexual desire. The second one is like handbrake - it is more subtle and related to fear of performance failure such as worrying about not being able to orgasm. The key difference is that the footbrake responds to external threats, while the handbrake is more about internal anxieties. You may be able to feel somewhat aroused, however the brakes are holding you back from fully feeling pleasure.
As there is no innate sex-related stimulus or threat, our accelerators and brakes learn when to respond based on experiences. Some common brakes especially for women include:
Mental chatter
Negative body image
Concerns about reputation
Negative societal messages “You shouldn’t do that”
Unwanted pregnancy/STIs
Shame and disgust (No person is born feeling ashamed of their body, shame is learned.)
Pressure to have sex; a fear of not having a 'no' respected
Safety concerns
Stress
Women are typically more sensitive to context than men which means they are very susceptible to what is happening around them but also to their internal state including critical self-talk and stress. Research shows, stress kills sexual interest in 80-90% of people and it reduces sexual pleasure for everyone. In addition, there is a cultural message for women to be responsible for managing relationships including conflict and stress. Research by the Gottman Institute shows that 80% of relationship issues are brought up by women, leading to women often holding space for their partner to process their emotions without completing the stress cycle themselves (more about stress see article: Understanding the Stress Cycle: A Guide to Managing Stress).
Desire, Pleasure and Genital Response are Three Different Things
Even though the media often likes to portray it as the same, desire, pleasure and genital response are not the same thing and do not always match up. When genital response does not match arousal, it is called arousal non-concordance. Studies indicate that for women being wet only matches your mental state of arousal 10% of the time. Which means you can be very wet but still not feel aroused and vice versa. For men whether their penis got an erection matched their mental state of arousal 50% of the time. These numbers underline the importance of paying attention to body language and open communication rather than relying on a biological response. It is even possible to have a physical sexual response or get physically aroused during sexual assault even when knowing that it is not okay and being terrified because of that reaction. Our brains learn to respond to sex-related stimuli - lubrication means that something is sex related, not necessarily sex appealing.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
There are two types of desire styles. Some people have spontaneous desire - which means they want sex out of the blue or with very little sexual context like seeing someone attractive on the street. They feel very easily aroused. On the other hand there is responsive desire - a person with this desire style only wants sex when something very pleasurable is already happening such as setting up a date night and feeling the touch of their partner. The media often wants us to believe that spontaneous desire is the norm, however responsive desire is experienced just as frequently. For some people one desire style is more prevalent and many experience a combination of the two. Contrary to what many believe, pleasure comes first, then desire. Which means you can create a context around pleasure to feel more desire. If sex feels like a chore, a lack of pleasure is the problem, not a lack of desire.
It all depends on context. Let’s look at an example. If you had a busy day, you’re in the middle of doing the dishes, thinking about all the other things you still have to get done and your partner comes behind you, wrapping their arms around you, kissing you - you might feel very annoyed. If we’re feeling stressed, we are so busy with the noise in our heads, our brain interprets everything as threat, making it difficult to respond to touch. But if you had a good day, you let go of your daily tasks and look out the window watching the birds while doing the dishes and your partner touches you, you might feel very turned on by that.
Desire is not what matters, pleasure is what matters - if you create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place, you’ll create sex worth wanting. In order to keep desire, you need to maintain intimacy and make sex a priority.
Cultural & Social Messages Around Sex
Society bombards women with confusing and often contradictory messages about sex. For example, morally, women are told that if they want or enjoy sex, they are considered "sluts.". If a woman has had more bed partners than her male partner, she is made to feel ashamed. If she is sexually desirable, she is seen as unlovable. Society falsely claims that virginity, which is a fake concept, is a woman's most valuable asset. Medically, sex is portrayed as dangerous, something that could lead to pregnancy or disease. If a woman can’t get aroused or doesn’t feel as aroused as her partner, she is made to believe something is wrong with her and that she needs medication, surgery, or therapy. Research on women’s sexual response is often overlooked or deemed unworthy of investment. Meanwhile, the media constantly tells women that no matter how they look or what they do, it is never good enough. They're told they're too big, too small, too thin, too fat; too shy, too confident, too prude, too willing—the list goes on.
As a result of these societal messages women often learn to criticize themselves or face criticism and shame from others, reducing their sexual function and desire. Many even believe criticism is necessary to thrive and stay motivated. In reality, the opposite is true - cessation of self-criticism allows for genuine healing.
The images we are exposed to can greatly influence our thoughts and behaviors, often without us even being aware of it. This can lead to unrealistic beliefs about sex and sexuality, lowering confidence and harming mental health. However, by recognizing these societal messages, we have the power to question and reject them, allowing ourselves to develop healthier and more authentic views.
On top of that, women tend to have more trauma around sexual health - statistics show that 1 in 5 women has been sexually assaulted, and unreported cases likely make that number even higher. Experiences like sexual abuse, catcalling, and rape are unfortunately common, with women being disproportionately and systematically targeted. If women seem to have more "issues" around sex, it is often for very valid reasons. For those who have endured abuse or unsafe sexual encounters, their brains may have learned to interpret sexual stimuli as a threat. As a partner, being mindful and supportive of this can make a meaningful difference.
To heal from self-criticism and unlearn harmful messages, we need to cultivate self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff outlines three key components of self-compassion: self-kindness, where we treat ourselves with care rather than judgment; common humanity, which reminds us that our struggles connect us to others rather than isolate us; and mindfulness, where we maintain a balanced, non-judgmental awareness of the present moment without getting lost in negative thoughts. Among these, the common denominator of non-judgment is of vital importance—mindful, non-judgmental awareness has been shown to lead to higher sexual satisfaction. Moving away from "shoulds" and being more gentle and forgiving with ourselves fosters confidence, which comes from understanding and accepting our bodies. We are all made of the same parts, just organized differently, and finding joy in this knowledge is empowering.
Understanding and embracing the complexities of sexual desire can be transformative for both couples and individuals. Leaning into pleasure rather than conforming to unrealistic media portrayals can lead to a more fulfilling and authentic sexual experience. Cultivating self-compassion and challenging harmful societal messages fosters greater acceptance and joy in sexuality. By expanding our understanding of sex we can embrace our differences, leaving room for creativity, exploration and greater pleasure.
References
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are. Simon & Schuster.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.
Steven Bartlett (2024, March 28). The Gottman Doctors: Women Tend to Be More Unhappily Married & Non-Cuddlers Have an Awful Sex Life!. Gold Tree Studios. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS3bfCt0K88
